GF is my YSL

I have a confession to make. I’m turning into a labelist. Not for clothes, I don’t have the budget for such an indulgence, nor do I really want to be a walking billboard. No, my obsession with labels is all about food. I know the law; I know anything derived from wheat must be listed in the ingredients. Still, I have trouble feeling confident about anything not listed as Gluten Free. If it wasn’t advertised in large or small print on the package I used to look online for its placement on a list or for a statement on the company’s website. But as I found out, those lists and websites may no longer be accurate. Instead, they can be constantly circulated information that is now out of date, like Burt’s Bee’s gluten-free list that is everywhere on the Internet except their website and is, as I found out, sadly not correct.
It’s those kinds of instances that undermine my trust in all the research I do. Too many times I thought I had hit the jackpot and could buy anything on this long list and be safe only to find out months, and several dollars, later that I was wrong. It’s a lack of confidence thing that can’t be bolstered by a pep talk from Cosmo magazine or, sadly, by the perfect shade of lipstick.
So now I only shop at Wegmans, Wholefoods, and Trader Joes, stores that not only keep their gluten-free list up to date but mark their foods with a little gluten-free label. Wegmans even gave me a whole aisle to feel relaxed in, giving me, for those brief moments in that aisle, a chance to feel normal. I’ve become so dependent on these little labels though that I’m starting to doubt foods that don’t have the stamp but are clearly gluten-free – like bananas. Somehow, in my most insecure moments I start to question the peel! I know it’s crazy but I’ve been burned too many times before. The simple joy of finding the perfect shade of gloss dashed, the sickening result of a changed formula on a multivitamin and a jar of salsa, it all adds up so that I no longer trust produce at a farmer’s market.
Most people want their food to taste good and give them the nutrients they need. I would like that as well, but I also want to have faith in my food; faith that it will not harm me. But faith is one of those tricky things that has to be felt deep down and is derived from a complicated combination of trust and joy. For me, trust and joy in a gluten-free lifestyle seems a long way off, but hopefully not too far away. Until then I’ll stick to my labels, it may be limiting to live this way, but like someone who only wears Prada, at least I know it’s worth it.

On To The Next Thing

I can't give up. It is not an option because I know first hand what will happen if I do. I'll feel exactly like I do now and that is not something I can live with. Constant pain is not living.
I can live without real pasta, I can live without birthday cake and soft pretzels (it's hard but I can do it). I can live with a strict regime of exercise, vitamins, and constant doctor appointments. I can even take the looks, the questions and the gossip that follows anyone on a strict diet, but I can't take feeling less than alive. With more than half of my concentration focused on the headaches, stomachaches and other random symptoms that have no rhyme or reason that any doctor can figure out, the rest of my life is dealt with in the background. Every morning isn't filled with a hopeful picture of what the day will bring, instead every morning is a scramble to figure out how I will get through the day. I've known for a while now that this has to change.
The acupuncture had a few positive results but nothing that could actually be described as a change. So I'm adding herbs and meditation. The herbs are in the mail and should last about two weeks. They're aimed at increasing my energy, helping me heal and filling in any gaps that my diet may have. They were prescribed by my acupuncturist who is also a herbalist. I wish I could say that I'm hopeful, but until I start taking them I'm just trying not to think about it. Getting my hopes up and then being disappointed seems to be the most painful thing of all lately.
I've also decided to try meditation, for real this time. It's not that I haven't wanted to seriously practice, it's just, as my husband would say, I'm rubbish at it. I start to hyperventilate when I focus on my breathing. My mind fills with all the things I could be doing instead of clearing, not to mention, I don't know what to do when I reach that point where I feel somewhat relaxed. I've read Eat, Pray, Love, I know there are many ways to approach meditation; I just can't find one that works for me.
I'm sure a retreat or a teacher would be the most beneficial option. But sadly, I have spent a good sum of my future paychecks on doctors not in-network and tests that are not qualified for coverage. So the most I can spend at the moment is $3. Which is why last night I was listening to the healing app on my iphone. Is it a guided meditation for those of us who are good with instructions and bad with finding your inner zen. I would love to say that I instantly felt better, but last night was one of those sleepless nights that seem to follow an accidental gluten exposure. I'm still trying to locate what the culprit was, but it's hard to think straight on less than three hours of sleep. The suggestion on the app, told by the Scottish guide, is to use it every day for three weeks. Between the herbs and the meditation by the end of June I should have made some progress. Perhaps in three weeks I'll have a clearer mind, one released from the grip of pain.