Spinning

I’m a bit of a plot whore.  I can enjoy any movie or TV show, so long as there is a story.  Bad special effects or poor acting won’t deter me.  I just need a beginning, middle and end – it doesn’t have to be in that order either, it just needs to be there.  But it doesn’t matter how great the CGI is or how fabulously the actress portrays despair, if there isn’t a how and why I just can’t get into it.

Since I have a serious dislike with thin storylines in my entertainment, you can imagine how tough it is for someone so plot obsessed to actually deal with the open-endedness and chaotic aspects of life.  It all started off pretty basic – there was elementary school to finish, high school to somehow get out of alive and college to get into.  Once college was done there was the whole pay for college thing. And then… then it was exciting.  It was at this point that my goals and achievements were for my own making. Go back to school.  Travel.  Date.  Try new things and dismiss them.  Try new things and love them.  Somehow along the way, since I wasn’t lucky enough to know when they asked me when I was five, I was supposed to find, or stumble into, my passion.  For some it’s raising a family, for others it's more career driven or even fun driven - like going to every Super Bowl or every Comic-Con. 

Life unravels and as one looks back they can see the lines connect; the plot reveals itself.  You can see how you got to where you are now and you can guess where you’re going.  It’s never as clear-cut as a thirty-minute family comedy of course, there are false starts and setbacks along the way, but the pull is there, the pull that guides you through your life.

Sadly, you can start to feel like you’re in a Michael Bay film, minus the explosions hopefully, when that pull is missing.  Ever since I was diagnosed a year and a half ago, I have been looking for that pull.  For so long my pull was about finding out why I felt so bad, but now that I know, that pull is missing.  In fact, lately, everything feels like a push – the cockroach in the bathroom and the leaking ceiling in the bedroom tell me I need to move, the boss that won’t let me take a real vacation day and the late nights getting home tell me I need a new job.  The migraine that has been up and down in intensity for almost a month now tells me I need a new doctor – one that is not going to just increase the timeline until I should feel better.  I’m being pushed to move forward, but there hasn’t been so much as a tap on the shoulder suggesting what direction I should face when I do.

Thanks to my need for health insurance, I just can’t jump and see where I fall. So instead I’ve thrown all I can think of out at the universe, looking to see what sticks to pull me forward.  A job that would involve moving to LA, a job that would mean moving to NY, a job that would involve moving to Arizona (nothing has come up that involves moving down the street.) I followed every lead, voiced my inarticulate desire to anyone who could help.  But the universe refuses to give me a direction.  Instead she just gives me another bug, another leak, another rude co-worker and another health problem. The shouts of Get Out are loud and clear.  But the silence of where to go that follows is more deafening. 

So it was suggested to me, to just put it out there. Spin round and round, and see where you stop. So that’s what this post is.  A prayer, a wish, a request if you will.

I’m spinning, excited to know where I will stop.